11.04.2010

mama theory

Baby Wearing
image via Flickr

Not always sure what triggers the inquiry, but I'm often asked if we are attachment parents or if we schedule our baby.  Usually I want to say, "both & neither" or "I read a little & experiment a lot" or "I'll let you know when the second one arrives." Though I do love our Moby wrap, we are wary of embracing parenting trends & are certain to offend people at one time or another because I am not a systems-oriented or left-brain kind of girl.

Both Elijah & I love to cuddle; we also both crave alone time & are miserable without it. He sleeps in his crib in his own room during naps & all night, from 8pm to 7am. Early on, I asked seasoned mums for help distinguishing hungry from poopy from pain cry so I don't jump at every nighttime fuss. When I realized that he was a spirited, energetic baby who wanted to bite or suck on something to wind down for sleep I consented to the occasional paci. Otherwise nursing was his only comfort & my source of anxiety; he still doesn't care for his thumb. We practice the 10 min rule for fussing (different than real crying), & he usually self-soothes within 3 min.

Once he weighed enough to not need the demand-feed approach, we slowly stretched him to every 2.5, 3 & (much later) 4 hr feedings. He learned when to anticipate food, to eat well, to sleep well; & that family rhythm adapts when illness or growth spurts or travel alter his needs (or my needs, for that matter).  Because I'm really not a homebody, I focused on regularly putting to sleep away from home (in pack-n-plays, other cribs, etc) rather than focusing on the length of each nap (a predictable range, but the length does vary). If pregnancy hadn't adversely affected my milk supply & his willingness to nurse, I would have kept it up through the upcoming flu season. For the health of my emotions & of our marriage, we have set aside on the same day each week: a date night together (often out of the house), an alone date for me (Nic stays home, I got out), family brunch & otherwise unscheduled Saturday (for family rest).

So we aren't strictly attachment parents & we didn't Ferberize Elijah. Sometimes I wish he would nap with me in the afternoons. Simply nursing, or wearing or sleeping with my babies won't guarantee a healthy or secure family. Those three tools of AP factor in that physical closeness is emotionally soothing to a small child & often to mama as well. The value I see is in taking the time & doing the work to find a healthy rhythm: where your kids can trust they are safe/loved being embraced into a marriage that can thrive.

1 comment:

KacyJo said...

This is very close to how I feel with Mason. I would have nursed a lot longer than I did, I would wear him more, but he doesn't need it, and even though after work when I pick him up from DayCare and he wants to be near me till bedtime I love sleeping. It's good to read this. :)

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